July 3, 2008
CALIFORNIA: Using recent observations, scientists say the universe has stopped expanding and is starting to retract.

"This is based on simple observation," said Dr. Pinero of Pinero Research. "All through the 1980s and 90s Starbucks were observed to be expanding rapidly; but now, they are in retreat."

Dr. Pinero explained that the formula COF²E² shows that the coefficient squared times the speed of light squared predicts a slowdown about when gasoline hits $4 per galleon. "It's just that simple," stated Pinero.